In his Glossary of Movie Terms, Roger Ebert once famously claimed that since 1977, there hadn't been a good film with a Cole-named character. He continued (inexplicably) by making an exception for the unquestionably awful "Days of Thunder." I can't say for sure if that rule has held up over time. I have a feeling if he had lived to see "Ghosted," he might have decided to finally retire it on the grounds that there could never be a worse example. Because of how arrogant and self-satisfied this movie is, you can almost taste the disdain.
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Our Cole (Chris Evans) is a farmer/agricultural historian who is perpetually unlucky in love. This is because he tends to get too intense too early and scares people. He meets the mysterious Sadie (Ana de Armas) at a farmer's market. The two seem to hit it off famously throughout a long date that covers everything from karaoke to a visit to the famous steps from "The Exorcist." Alas, when he tries to contact her the next day, she ignores his incessant texts and emojis.
Thanks to a decidedly lame plot construct, he figures out that she is now in London. In what he considers to be a romantic gesture and not a red flag, he decides to fly there and surprise her. This is to be charming and not at all creepy. Even his parents (Tate Donovan and a spectacularly wasted Amy Sedaris) urge him on.
After arriving, he feels he has located her. However, he is quickly abducted and taken to the torturer Borislov's (Tim Blake Nelson) lair. Borislov believes Cole is The Taxman - someone who has important information that he plans to extract by the usage of murder hornets. Before it can happen, an unknown person saves him. We later find out it is Sadie. In reality, she's a CIA agent on the hunt for master criminal, Leveque (Adrien Brody). This criminal wants to get the codes of a lethal new super weapon so he can sell it on the black market.
The Taxman is rumored to possess these codes. Since everyone thinks that Cole is the Taxman, he becomes the target. Sadie uses him as bait to stop the bad guys for good. This leads them on an international journey to stop Leveque and potentially save the world. They bicker and banter between incessant gunshots, explosions, and car chases that comprise most of the plot.
You may remember last year's "The Gray Man.” It was a truly awful and totally forgettable pile of international espionage claptrap. It was like watching someone else play a poor video game, but you will be infinitely happier if you don't.
Evans and de Armas co-starred in that movie. I can't help but wonder if they had a secret agreement to look for another similarly dull and forgettable movie. The goal was achieved. Artificial intelligence art-making programs have received a lot of attention recently, along with the possibly devastating consequences that could come from their use.
